Making My Soul Sing

I wrote my first post well over a year ago. I’ve thought about it from time to time, but mostly I have forgotten. Not really sure where the past 12months have gone, but they have. As the ever turning wheel , time continues.

But then if time is only a human construct, what happens when we step away from it??

Anyway, I digress. I do this often. ALL THE TIME actually. I have been on a big, deep, dark journey. Another dark night of the soul if you will. After that last sentence I got distracted & picked up my phone to look for a book about dark nights…… It’s in my basket. I then found & bought some hammerite paint for a metal bench i’m cleaning up. So. Easily. Distracted.

Last September I had the now familiar feelings of exacerbated fear. I’d got up for work but when I got out of the shower I just froze. I sat on the side of the bed barely able to move. I started crying. Why? Well, the GP named it work related stress. As I said its becoming familiar. It seems to of replaced the familiarity of depression, but has joined forces with anxiety to completely floor me. I wonder sometimes if those around me get abit bored of my seemingly fragile mental health? I rang work & cried, and didn’t go back for another 2 months. Did anything change at work in that 2 months? Of course not.

Brilliant songs keep playing on spotify so I have to stop & either sing or sing & dance. This is gonna take some time. In fact, I paused to pop to the shop (red wine needed to go with roasting tomatoes, I LOVE making my own sauce), then started playing with the tomatoes, dried & put away dishes off the rack……30 minutes later I am back.

So yes, off sick. Usual default settings applied – eating way too much shit & smoking. Not moving enough, no energy, poor disturbed sleep. Only this time, my mood wasn’t actually too bad. I mean, I have been clinically depressed (apparently) & I’ve been mildly depressed, but this was different. Yes, work was the trigger I mean, the shitness there had been building up – actually over the 12 months since my previous episode of work related stress. Coincidence? With a manager who does not have the skills (or support) to manage its never really going to improve is it? So. I keep on looking for jobs – but, who wants a burnt out nurse?

And there it is. Burnt out. I had been doing some research & talking to neurodiverse people & started to slowly realise that I probably (most definately) fit in with this group of humans. Of course I don’t actually believe that we fit into these neat little boxes but you know, i’ll go along with the narrative until i get my diagnosis.

But, I am jumping ahead. The more I researched & talked the more my life started to make sense. And me. I made sense. Kind of.

You could probably argue that the more I read the more I made myself fit. I mean, its not beyond the realms of possibility is it? But to be honest, at that point I just wanted to understand me.

This, I should mention was also happening alongside my experience of the peri-menopause. And fuck me has that blown my mind open. As you would, sadly, expect, from the medical profession most of my questions/ailments got diverted into a narrow field of vision with the question “So, where are you with your periods?”. What made this worse was I was only ever talking to or seeing men. How the fuck do they have any idea what I was going through? And so, the fury, the rage buried deep within was churned up, and I’ve been angry ever since. When I say buried deep, I mean really deep. It was deeper than me, raging in the core of Gaia. At least that’s how it felt.

That’s kind of made me laugh, I mean I’m not constantly angry, but when something riles me I am FUCKING FURIOUS. It’s hard to explain but I feel a rage that has taken hundreds of years to rise up. And the more I read about the menopause, women’s treatment in medicine through history & the sorry state we are in today the more my raging fire’s were stoked. Does that make sense? I feel rage for EVERY WOMAN EVER.

Interesting that the woman who for years denied any kind of sisterhood by repeating “I have more male friends, I prefer hanging out with men than women” I now attend 2 sister circles & keep my circle of friends small, and mostly female. What a complete reversal. Why? Because I was denying myself, I was trying my hardest to fit in (ooooh that’s a common theme)- especially working in male dominated places (police & prison service). Desperate to fit in, to be liked, but most importantly to be loved.

I’ve gone off on one now. So, my research led me to a phonecall with a GP asking for an ADHD assessment. I was told that mental health services in North Wales were pretty much broken & full. Soz. (Ok she didn’t say soz but you know). I then had an assessment with an specialist OT, I cant remember his full title, but he worked within mental health. So, I found myself in his office in the surgery, talking at pace for just over an hour, being my usual sweary self. He was actually very kind & fully supported my request for an assessment & referred me on to the community mental health team ( I thought they were full & broken?). This in itself was huge deal. I was so excited, honestly, i felt so excited I was almost skipping around. So high was I I forgot words & went into a local deli, had a discussion about cheese….. and instead of saying I need new tastes in my mouth (cheese ones) I said to the owner I needed new oral experiences. I mean, what the actual fuck ???? It was hilarious, after a few stunned moments.

During my time off, in those numerous stary vacant moments I had alot of time to think, aswell as not thinking. I did alot of healing. I cried. I felt pain – literally on all levels. Within & without my body. I cut cords, I revisited painful events in my life, relived them & then let them go. I did it over & over. Each time, trying to give myself abit more love. Be abit kinder. I used every modality available. I listened to meditations, sound healing, I did my own sound healing. I sat with the pain & let it flow through me until it was almost unbearable. I went so high I felt I could touch the stars. I tried to ground myself to create a balance, but I prefer floating & flying to be honest. Anyway 2 months of nothingness (on the face of it) & my wages starting to be affected I decided I needed to go back to work.

My return to work meeting with my manager was wank to be fair, but the best comment ever – you’ve been off twice now at this time of year, do you think there’s a pattern? Fuck me. Work related stress is the clue there. I can’t go a full 12 months without feeling broken/burnt out etc. Why? Because nothing changes at work. Alot of meaningless lip service.

Anyway, thats another story.

The point of this – kind of – was because recently an ex of mine died. My brother told me. I won’t go into alot of detail, but I suddenly found myself once again facing that toxic relationship (that I thought I had dealt with) & again I was going back into it, accepting, healing, releasing. That is the final one. But, how many times do we have to go back & face & deal with shit over & over? You know when your in a good place, dealt with shit & all that, only to have that situation/person whatever reappear & slap you down until you work through it one more time.

Fuck me I’m knackered.