Making My Soul Sing

Janaury 14th 2026.

Well, fuck me. What a start to 2026 and we’ve barely got our foot over the threshold.

I’m not one for all that New Year malarky. I used to be. I really bought into it. Christmas. I was 100% fully paid up member. But, now I see the world very differently. And me. I see me very differently. I see a me that is starting to live & speak her truth. So, yeh, if something doesnt resonate I step away from it.

Trouble is I have spent so many years telling people how much I hate it all & they laugh & call me a Grinch & then I do some of the stuff anyway. Mostly to please others. Not really for my benefit.

None of it benefits me. None of it feeds my soul. I mean if family were closer & we really hung out then, yes that would 100% feed & nourish my soul. But its just me. Somewhat out of choice, but also because my fabulous mum goes to spend time with her grand-kids & thats a 3+ hour drive, and i usually work. My other brother spends time with his wife. A few times they have asked me over but I have always been working.

If I havent been rostered to work I have always offered, without fail. This is not a woe is me post. This is me realising that I need to review my relationship with this time of year.

In some ways I have, I now embrace the wintering much more. I don’t love being cold, I don’t always enjoy going out in the cold, but the feeling of coming back inside to the warmth is truly glorious. Well, thats if you dont live in a fucking caravan because then you walk into a fucking icebox. Ok, it warms up quickly, but FUCK ME ITS COLD. The old version of me woud not of considered moving into a caravan, let alone living in it through winter. But this new, updated version chose to. I actually chose to do this.

So far I have had a frozen water pipe (mine leading to the van, me being poorly prepared & somewhat shocked when it actually happened). Twice. The 3rd time it happened was after my pipe was lagged (thanks to my friends husband for doing that), but it was minus 6 and the main pipe to both vans froze. For 3 days. Never occured to me to get bottled water in preparation. Big lesson. But I learnt that as long as I have electricity (= heat) I can survive, Snow melts yeh?

Then on the 3rd night (luckily I was tucked up in bed all snuggly) the electric went off. I think that night was minus 5. I debating going to my mums, but realised that the gate would likely be frozen so I probably wouldnt get out anyway & who wants to defrost car & gate at 10.30pm?

That was quickly resolved the next morning. I have had to use alternative routes to work, I have skidded along roads & made it home through a blizzard. Lets face it, I am lucky. My parents live (separately ) but close by & I could of course go to either of their houses. But I am stubborn. I wanted to prove I could do it. Mostly to myself – -but also to anyone else who was looking. Why? Fuck knows. Were my guardian angels/spirit guides sitting there high fiving each other?? Probably not, they’re probably smoking crack pipes to be fair.

Also, why cant I make a salad for one person? Infact, why cant i make anything for one person?

Oh, my fridge freezer got moved & therefore unplugged (& not plugged back in properly. twice) & melted. twice. So, i saw my arse (as some fruit had leaked) and emptied the contents into bin bags & took that to the tip. Again, not a misery post. I have fridge freezer. I have a small fridge & freezer in the caravan. You could say these are all new world problems I guess. Or is it 3rd world problems? I dont know.

Its not really the actual stuff that has bothered me. Its how I have dealt with it, how it made me feel. How it made me go within & look at things from a different perspective & not moan (I mean I did abit) and run abck to my mums or dads. Wow, writing this is making me think abit more. Lets face it I am very lucky. Privileged. I do know this. And I am grateful for this every day – and when I forget that, I get a kick up the ass to remind me. I am lucky to even have the option to choose this. I do know that. This isnt really about that, its about what it has given me & my brain.

Space. Space to hide. Space to be. My autism assessment is getting ever closer & this is bringing up so much stuff. As I learn & read more, I question more. The more I question the more I wonder if I am actually autistic or am I just a dick? (Not thats autistic people are dicks, I just mean me). Have I over read & just convinced myself I am neuro-divergent? I hear ALOT of neurotypical people spouting off the usual rhetoric that “everyone is autistic these days” or “everyones god bloody ADHD”

Oh, I know, this is imposter syndrome right? Ok. I know this, I have had this my whole life. I dont belong here, I’m not good enough to be here & everyone knows it – that kind of stuff? I remember being told that one of the consultants on the ward I worked on when I first qualified made a comment to one of the sisters about telling me to stop saying sorry all the time. Everytime I walked past the consultants (any of the drs to be honest), when I had to walk through the office when they were sat there – constant apologising. And not just them – that just sticks in my mind. I feel as though I have always done it, and still do. Apologising for just being there. Apologising for being an inconvenience (usually only perceived by me). I really dislike the thought & then subsequent feelings that arrive when I think I may be an inconvenience, or I am inconveniencing someone. I really hate that feeling. I dont know where it came from, I dont think that growing up I was ever made to feel like that. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if i brought this up with my mum she would get upset, maybe not understanding where I am coming from, but that I would feel like that.

I’m worrying & I still dont have a date for my assessment, but it should be in the next month or so – according to the last email I had off them. Well, the last email they responded to which was me asking 5 million questions that I have already asked & in fact have mostly been answered. But I guess they are used to that right?

And I have got the ADHD thing going full throttle – so at my last GP appointment (to talk about my blood results & ecg – another story but I have convinced myself I have AF & every little ninggle I get is a silent MI), i then went on to talk about a breast lump (sebaceous cyst it turns out) and also about needing an ADHD assessment, i was exhausted when I left because i could not shut up – the words just kept coming. She gave me a questionnaire to fill out & bring back & told me I would need a double appointment next time – that also mad me feel bad. I could feel her frustration – at me & at the system of neat 10 minute appointments.

I dont know what I came here to write about anymore.
I have decided I am wintering more in January – apart from the stuff you have to do, I am staying put. Keeping warm & going within, and resting. All the good stuff. I am lucky that I have a short break coming up , with my glorious friends to Lanzarote. 2 weeks today in fact. Am I excited? Oh my god yes, I cant wait to see them, to see & feel the warmth of the sun. Am I panicking about nothing in particular? You bet I am! The panic went into overdrive this morning when one of the girls posted in teh group that its 2 weeks today – panic about nothing really, but my brain went there straight away.

Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just be like oh great thats so awesome I cant wait. No, not me, I’m like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.